Afraid to be scared
I always thought I wouldn't be scared. That I would go, right away. I mean, I am not a very scared person in general. I don't mind walking around in dodgy area's, at night, alone. Rumours about shootings and mafia don't stop me. Homeless junkies never made me run away. It might be naive, but better naive than locked up at home.
Of course there is a difference between a dodgy area in Rotterdam, London, or even Istanbul, and a warzone. I do realise that the chance of getting in to trouble in Afghanistan might be slightly bigger than in the banlieue of Paris. Still, I thought, and actually I still think that I would feel more excitement than fear. But what will I do if I end up in some actual fighting? How will I react on the sound of firearms around me? What if I get to see bloody situations? I don't think the army would be very pleased if they have to deal with not just their own job but with a fainted journalist as well.
A few lectures the past couple of weeks made me realise that such things will happen, for sure. I guess I knew this al along, but the personal stories of journalists made me truly realise. How do you prepare for that? You get a special training, of course, but how do you prepare mentally? I guess you can't. And maybe you shouldn't try.
Today we got a lecture on the International News Safety Institute. In the past 10 years, 1000 journalists were killed, and most of them were murdered. Most of them were local journalists, so not foreign correspondents. I guess that's comforting news for my worried parents... The worst part of this news is that journalists don't just die in war because it's war, they die because they are journalists and often not just seen as objective reporters. Even worse, some journalists appear to believe they are not... a Dutch cameraman in Afghanistan run out of battery and "with nothing better to do" he picked up a gun and started shooting.
Whatever state of panic I might find myself in, I am pretty sure at least that won't happen to me. But again: what would I do?
The thing that a female journalist in Iraq looks back at as her worst experience as an embedded journalist is not the fighting. It was that she could not shower for three months and because of the lack of a toilet she had to go 'in the desert with the entire British army watching you.' Those are the things you can't prepare for, and the things you'd rather not know beforehand...
I still think I won't be scared. By now, I am just afraid I will be once it's too late to return.
Of course there is a difference between a dodgy area in Rotterdam, London, or even Istanbul, and a warzone. I do realise that the chance of getting in to trouble in Afghanistan might be slightly bigger than in the banlieue of Paris. Still, I thought, and actually I still think that I would feel more excitement than fear. But what will I do if I end up in some actual fighting? How will I react on the sound of firearms around me? What if I get to see bloody situations? I don't think the army would be very pleased if they have to deal with not just their own job but with a fainted journalist as well.
A few lectures the past couple of weeks made me realise that such things will happen, for sure. I guess I knew this al along, but the personal stories of journalists made me truly realise. How do you prepare for that? You get a special training, of course, but how do you prepare mentally? I guess you can't. And maybe you shouldn't try.
Today we got a lecture on the International News Safety Institute. In the past 10 years, 1000 journalists were killed, and most of them were murdered. Most of them were local journalists, so not foreign correspondents. I guess that's comforting news for my worried parents... The worst part of this news is that journalists don't just die in war because it's war, they die because they are journalists and often not just seen as objective reporters. Even worse, some journalists appear to believe they are not... a Dutch cameraman in Afghanistan run out of battery and "with nothing better to do" he picked up a gun and started shooting.
Whatever state of panic I might find myself in, I am pretty sure at least that won't happen to me. But again: what would I do?
The thing that a female journalist in Iraq looks back at as her worst experience as an embedded journalist is not the fighting. It was that she could not shower for three months and because of the lack of a toilet she had to go 'in the desert with the entire British army watching you.' Those are the things you can't prepare for, and the things you'd rather not know beforehand...
I still think I won't be scared. By now, I am just afraid I will be once it's too late to return.
posted by Let @ 11:01 pm
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